Quotes

Xander: I'm good. We're fine. Just a little bit dirty. Good show, everyone. Just great. I think we have a hit.
Willow: Are you okay?
Xander: Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it.

Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?" Faith: Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all. Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Buffy: Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?"
Willow: I brought marshmallows! ... Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.

"Uh, Xander, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you, you, uh, h-hung back to the rear of the battle, you know, for your own sake."
"But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter."
"Hmm?"
"Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?"
-Giles and Xander

Jack: What are you, retarded?
Xander: No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.

"It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers -- Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires -- and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen."
"I was just talking to... Hey, mind your own business!"
"Ooo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool."
-Cordelia and Xander

"But... It's just that it's buggin' me, this 'cool' thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?"
"Not sure."
"I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?"
"Am I?"
"Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?"
"Could be."
"I know! You're in a band! That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff! I gotta learnan instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?"
"Not the way I play it."
"Okay, but on the other hand: eighth grade. I'm taking the flügelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But you need a thing, one thing nobody else has. What do I have?"
"An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special."
-Xander and Oz

Xander: You girls need a lift?
Willow: What is this?
Xander: What do you mean, what is it? It's my thing.
Buffy: Your thing?
Xander: My thing!
Buffy: Is this a penis metaphor?"

Faith: A fight like that and... no kill... I'm about ready to pop.
Xander: Really? Pop?!
Faith: You up for it?
Xander: Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before.
Faith: Just relax... And take your pants off.
Xander: Those two concepts are antithetical.

Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake. Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs. Oh, man, I'm outta my league!

"No one will ever know how close it came to stopping. Never know what we did."
"Guys..."
"Xander. Boy, you're lucky you weren't at school last night. It was crazed."
"Well, uh, gimme the quiet life."

Xander: Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk.

Xander: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, uh, it may technically be a, a sword.
Jack: She's called 'Katie'.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

Cordelia: Ooo, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
Xander: Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds.

Cordelia: Ooo, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.

Thanks to MAaBtVS for some of those quotes.